Putting on my reading glasses
A sister/friend recently sent me a blog post from the powerful Nadia Boltz Weber titled, Optimism won’t save me…but neither will worrying about shit. In her way Nadia breaks down complex and often paradoxical ideas into words and concepts we can all understand. In this blog she talks about the “Stockdale Paradox”. This was a concept articulated by James Stockdale who was a POW in Vietnam for over 8 years. He describes two seemly opposing concepts that he observed helped people survive long periods of difficulty. First; “You must have faith that you will prevail in the end.” and Second; “You must, at the same time, confront the brutal facts of your current reality.” Reading those lines felt like a punch in the gut. I was about to be stripped of the one thing I thought was “getting me through”, my optimism.
I pride myself on being an eternal optimist. I choose to avoid those who declare that the sky is falling. I believe things can happen. I am also a worrier, a seeming contrast, so I am quite clear about all of the worse case sceneries, I don’t need reminders. They invade my mind like an unwelcome guest at thanksgiving dinner. The show up with little notice, they bring something you didn’t expect and certainly don’t like, and they seem to always be the last to leave. When I was little these thoughts would haunt me at bedtime stealing my sleep. As an adult they had few boundaries before I discovered meditation and mindfulness. So why then am I so optimistic? Maybe it is my way of defending against the worry? If I choose to think only of the bright side, or imagine that things are getting better, than maybe I will be able to quiet my mind that is busy with the opposite. So, I see the good in people, I imagine that it will all get better, and I firmly trust that the people in charge will not let bad things happen. And here is where reality kicked me in the butt, I realized that in hanging my hat on what is not currently real, I give over the power I have to navigate the reality in front of me.
In the case of this pandemic I have constantly pinned my optimistic hopes on a near and unrealistic future, and when people tried to offer a realistic counter point I am shattered. I am sure things will be better by… I can hang on through this if I can just look forward to… Yet each time one of those milestones passes without a change in our current state of affairs I am heart broken. Worse, I feel like I have no resources. My optimism, my crutch is no longer helpful.
In reading this wonderful piece by Nadia it became clear, the universe was giving me the ultimate opportunity to practice that illusive skill I have been trying so hard to master. Sitting in the not knowing, releasing my attachment to future possibilities, surrender, and getting super real with what is right now. Right now might be amazing, like dinner on Friday night when we laughed as a family and took a walk discovering new beauty along the way. Right now might be hard, like when I had a zoom call with two of my oldest friends who got to be together this weekend while I was still so far away. Sitting still and allowing each experience to be what it was without trying to change it, or spinning it to my advantage. It is easy to want the joyful dinner to last forever and to push away the feeling of envy that arise when you can’t have what you desire, but neither will change the reality, and both will cause pain. So here I am again taking off the distance glasses and putting on my readers because all I can focus on is what is close up, right here and so near. maybe my optimism is in choosing to see what in right in front of me.