The After

What Will “After” Look Like?

Now that I have figured out how to live this new reality. Like how to tolerate the weirdness of not seeing people’s smiles, nor feeling their skin touching mine. Now that I have taken some time to understand myself better, and have discovered my need for movement and stillness in my morning. Now that we, our little pod of four, have come to see how grateful we are to love each other so much, that we only want to get away from each other some of the time. Now that we have learned to shop like there is always a storm coming and cook like we are on an episode of “Chopped”. Now that all of this feels normal and easier than before. Now what? This temporary state never felt like it could possibly be “normal”, but little by little it has infiltrated our real lives. It has stolen away the old trappings, the things we thought we needed, and replaced them with the things we have. It slowly made 2 dimensions and 6 feet seem good enough. I realized it had gotten hold when I admonished the people on TV for shaking hands and standing too close. Now that the new normal has taken over, where do we go from here?

We know we can’t love each other close up, breath each other’s breath, or kiss each other’s lips. We can’t feel the deep pressure of a hug from that friend whose magic fills your heart without even trying. We know we can’t come together to feel the overwhelming surge of joy that fills your body when a whole lot of us are beating our hearts to the same song. We know we can not sweat alongside other sweating bodies so we can ride their wave of “we’ve got this”. So what can we do?

The experts tell us that we can find ways to be together safely, but that just evokes the full body condom scene from “Police Academy”, where Leslie Neilson and Priscilla Presley try to make love while both wearing full body condoms. It is a hilarious and ludicrous scene, yet right now it feels a little too close to reality. Will we have to create a protective cover around ourselves in order to be safe, to keep others safe? Will we suddenly feel like that is acceptable or even enough?

The irony for me is that I have spent years in therapy learning how to remove my protective coating and let people see the real me, touch the real me, and know the real me. All this time inside with only the people I can’t hide from, has taken me back a few steps. It is so easy to stay safe when I don’t have to practice being with myself, in the presence of others. I don’t have to worry what they think or how they will react. I don’t have to put on my costume and pretend to know what I am talking about. Here inside my safe bubble I get to just be, safely protected from judgement and the virus.

So what will “The After” look like? What will we have to adapt to and live without? Our astounding adaptability is on display as we speak. Just last night my 15 year old son said to me, “How is it that this is all starting to feel normal?” in many moments of the day I can almost forget that we are living in some strange alternate reality. I hum along in my new routine finding joy and frustration, being curios and bored, and loving the beings in my life. Then suddenly reality hits and I think, “Shit I need milk and I can’t just “run out and get some.” or I read a FaceBook post by an old friend who is saddened by the loss of both of her parents in one week, and I think, this can never be normal, there has to be an after.